Never love too deep...
because someday?
It will be like a planted tree...
(I tell you)
Where the roots are too hard to pull out...
Yet very painful to cut off...
I have never been in a relationship before, ever in my whole life, I swear. Since I was really really conservative to these scenario, I learned how to hide my feelings and talk a lot to myself and write a lot about that person whom I was always thinking of. It was sometimes awkward for me too see lovers together doing their thing when my family is with me, we were not taught how to have special relationship since they stick more to academics than any other else. They want us to finish successfully for this success and knowledge we will soon gain will never be stolen from anyone. Seriously saying, when I see lovers together, when I'm alone...questions bother me, how do they handle it? Do their parents know? What do they talk about? How do they go on conversations? Do they talk forever? What if one gets mad? How does the other react? Is he/she truthful? How did they trust each other? When did they start? Who said yes to who? Will they really go on forever? Aren't they afraid of being hurt? Isn't it sometimes just a thing for them? Peer pressure?--since their friends have those?
I was once innocent. To have a crush is sometimes to love. To see my crush along the way melts my heart. To sit beside my crush makes me feel uneasy but complete. To see my crush talk comfortably to other girls makes me feel discouraged and pushes me to find someone new. Often, I give them second chances or even third , infinity until I find no more reason to like him. (For me) To have a crush is to fall deeply and make myself believe that I'm emotionally mentally taken. My crushes never knew I had a crush on them.
During my high school years, I belong to the not so noticed girls in school. I was new to mutual understanding when I was 16 and that school year was about to end. This guy--- I only thought he had a thing for me. We kind of dated but I can only call it a meetup (still dated), since he invited me only through text. He was the friend of my girl friend. He was just my type, from a far... I was looking at his appearance, he was kind of cool guy, about 6ft, chinky eyes, quite my type. So yeah. You know my parents are strict. When we were together, he was really making me feel comfortable, but I was really not. I am not that frank, I was observing about his behavior. Then we strolled a bit and had a lunch (date). I was still on my pink uniform, he was on his black shirt, he was already in college and I was in high school... I was really new to this scenario, I wanted to go home so bad. Lucky, none of my family members saw me with this stranger. We did kind of text a lot, but it's so heavy for my pocket, I was a Globe subscriber and it costs more than TM (he's a TM subscriber). I came to ponder, since he was really demanding me to reload and reload, seriously during my high school years, I saved nothing due to activities that made me shy and unable to ask and demand for my parents some more money. Fortunately I discovered he had a lot of exes, he was really assuming we were already "on" after we dated? and changed his facebook status to "in a relationship and it's complicated" after the short story hr finally asked me why I stopped talking to him. My answer? was simple. "I changed." End of story. Harsh? YES.
I told myself that since I was going to college, having him is something that unjustifiably bothers me to mingle with others, with the new wild world of college.
So here comes college. And seven months ago, I fallen so hard to that guy from the internet who also had a thing on me. Okay okay, everyone knows who he is. That "japo" guy. Actually, he is not japo in looks,I saw him personally, haha forget it, just feeling fly japonese, oh c'mon grow some balls. This guy was really great it making girls(including me) fall in love by every single sweet smileys he sends me. I was new to that kind of another mutual understanding, yes we also texted a lot. One thing I noticed, he really liked to be praised, I kind of liked him at first since he was really humorous. but seriously he is boastful and he only likes hot and cute girls, only after to what they look. I could tell he is vain and racist. I never knew he had a girl friend already, I was really blinded since he was really sending horny flirty-ish text messages to me those times, and he's got a lot of exes too. He was a bad metal japo playboy type. I saw it on other girls' walls on facebook and so did he post familiar phrases that he once told me. I fell so hard, I was hurt. We even had a fight over the internet with his girl friend and his gf's other friend. It was really a hot bloody Christmas. Stupid! We were fighting because of him...Nonesense! It was really hard to move on. We're still "friends"... he's really a flirt. Having almost 10 girls over the net,is that something to be proud of? douchebag, I was only used for past time. Don't get me wrong, I was just tagged along with that feeling. Lesson learned? Not all guys are trustworthy, some just want to taste how you "do" it. And when they're done, they'll leave you hanging with along with their lies.
Sometimes, you need to stop asking why it happened and move on. Hey, moving on is not an easy step.
Thirdly, to Anghel guy... who's so mysterious. Until now, I don't know the real reason why he told me he was comfortable towards me and why he trusts me a lot. We were never really close because I never shared my part, my story to him. My "psych" classmate told me that he was probably making a move for me not to ignore him. We were really close in messaging and chatting. Unfortunately, we fail to bring it on personally. I fell quite hard for almost 5 months.
As I experience more of these, I learn to fall mildly. Never trust anyone directly. And go with the flow, just know your limits. Never assume. And if you like someone, tell him/her... I see nothing's wrong with this. It's just that in our culture, girls are conservative, they wait for the guys to say how they feel. Quite unfair girls? I know right? but if ever 2012 is really true (Don't get me wrong, I believe in my God and I'm getting myself ready for the 2nd coming of Christ the King), you better tell them.
I'm happy, I quite moved on. I learned how to grow some balls. And I'm pretty cautious right now...With him and my God :)
Thanks for the experience.
be better.
